Batman meets the Tick
by ErnestD
Summary: After a grueling monthlong campaign against the escaped Arkham inmates, Robin, Alfred, and Commissioner Gordon force Batman into a three week vacation. In order to replace him, however, they recruit a gang of outofwork superheroes with wild personalities.


"Hurry it up." said Edward Nygma anxiously, checking his watch. He was inside the Gotham City Bank after hours, robbing the safe. It was child's play to pick it open, and now his henchmen Query and Echo were filling his question-marked loot bags with money. However, he found it hard to relax. He had left Batman a particularly difficult riddle that night. There was _no way_ he could have solved it in time to get here before they were gone, but Nygma didn't want to risk it. Batman had been known to work miracles like this before... 

Query stuffed the last bag with a clip of hundred-dollar bills and tied it shut. "That's the last of them, boss." Query grunted in generic thug fashion.

"Last of 'em, boss." Echo said in his usual nasally voice. Nygma nodded and gestured at the door with his trick cane. The goons hefted their burdens over their shoulders and wandered in front of Nygma as they made their way to the ladder that they had erected just underneath an open window. It was a perfect escape route; they could hop up the ladder, collapse it, drag it through the window, and close it shut, leaving no evidence for the police to find.

Except, of course, something had to go wrong.

"Uh...boss?" Query murmured.

"Uh...boss?" Echo echoed.

"Ladder's gone." Query said, punching Echo in the shoulder absentmindedly.

"I can see that. Anyone care to explain why?" Nygma demanded.

"I believe I can illuminate the answer for you." quipped a very high, familiar voice. The three criminals whirled around only to be blinded by a brilliant light coming from the window. Query and Echo covered their eyes with their hands. Nygma, on the other hand, was more proactive. He whipped out his derringer and pulled the trigger in the direction of the voices. There was the sound of glass shattering and an electric lantern fell to the floor with a cacophonous noise.

"It's Batman." Query announced as the Dark Knight slipped effortlessly through the window.

"No, it's the Batman." Echo corrected.

"And Robin too," said Robin. "Wasn't that a nice quip I made just now? Illuminate? Lantern? Get it?"

"No." Query grunted.

"Kill them both!" Nygma shouted, pointing at both Batman and Robin.

The goons produced their own semi-automatic but before they could even pull the trigger a lone Batarang arced through the air. The thick wire attached to it wrapped around their arms, pulling them together and dragging them forward. Batman and Robin took a step forward to meet them, delivering twin blows to the chest and the neck. Query and Echo, gibbering madly as they went down like sacks of wet flour.

"Hey, watch it, Batman!" Nygma bellowed as he brandished his cane menacingly. "This could be a bomb! In fact, it is a bomb, capable of taking out a whole city block." Batman took another slow, methodical step towards him. "Don't you care about all those innocent people?" Nygma said, but his words were met only by silence. Batman was making his slow way towards Edward Nygma, taking his time. "What are...what are you doing?" Nygma whined, raising his allegedly explosive cane. "I'll...I swear I'll throw this! Stay back! It's full of explosives!" He closed his eyes and hurled the trick cane at Batman.

The Dark Knight caught the cane effortlessly out of the air, and in the same movement he hurled it forward like javelin, striking Nygma in the shoulder. Nygma flipped around like a spinning top, wobbling over a bag of loot and striking his head hard on a support beam. His eyes rolled back into his head and he lay there, prone.

"Uh...nice job, Batman?" Robin said as Batman just stood still. He didn't answer, didn't move, didn't respond at all. The only way Robin was sure that he wasn't staring at a big plastic dummy in the shape of Batman was by the steady whistling of his inhales and exhales. "Batman, what's wrong?" Robin asked, edging over to Batman.

Batman turned slowly around, as if his every move was costing him money.

"Hey, Batman, d'you think you need a vacation?" Robin asked.

Just a few months ago, a villain who called himself 'Jailbreak' had engineered a mass escape from Arkham Asylum and Stonegate Penitentiary. Within hours, the streets were full of criminals, from common thugs to mafia artists to the most colorful of Batman's gallery of rogues. The police were powerless to stop most of them, so it was up to Batman to escalate his crime-stopping services to a day and night service, non-stop. Batman had been patrolling for months now without more than thirty minutes of sleep every week. He was running mostly on autopilot now and the rigorous schedule was clearly taking a toll on him.

"Can't afford to take a vacation..." Batman murmured. Robin got on his tippy-toes and pulled off Batman's cowl. He held up a small crescent-shaped mirror and Batman got a good view of his unshaven, crumpled face.

"You do need a vacation, and you're taking one." Robin said.

"Can't make me." Batman slurred. "Now, let's get back to the--" He gave a loud yawn. "--to the...wadja--Batmobile."

"What about tying up Riddler and his goons?" Robin asked.

"Wha?" Batman turned around and saw the three criminals lying around in varying states of unconsciousness. "Oh..."

_That settles it,_ Robin thought grimly to himself. _He needs a vacation, and he's going to take one whether he wants to or not_. As his master fumbled with his Bat-grapple, Robin pursed his lips and thought, in fluent italics, _Well, I can't stop him, but I know someone who can._


End file.
